My Dad says that scouting made him a man.

My Dad says the Boy Scouts is character building. He says it teaches you many skills, like how to tie knots, erect tents, and open tins of beans with a stick. He says it gives you a moral code to follow and you get badges for doing good deeds in the community.

I think my Dad was sad to be kicked out of the scouts for being drunk at the Scout Jamboree.

My Dad is kind to the environment.

My Dad says that recyling is very important. He collects bottles, cans, paper and green waste.

Dad claims he is so good at recyling, that he could recycle blood.

My Dad is a rocker.

My Dad says that bands like King Crimson and Jethro Tull were hardcore long before bands like System of a Down. In 1974 Dad went to see ELO at Randwick racecourse in Sydney, and it was the best night of his life. He says there was an electric cello which fired lasers and everything.

My Dad had his moments with heavy music in his younger days.

My Dad is not a racist.

My Dad says that there is nothing wrong in having names for other races of people, like rhyming slang such as ‘kitchen sink’ for chink and ‘bubble and squeak’ for Greek. He says words like jigaboo and sambo are no different then white people being called honky and is each race's way of preserving their culture.

My Dad embraces all lifestyle decisions.

My Dad says he has no problem with gay people. He says there are a lot of shirt lifters about on Saturday night while he is driving his taxi and he knows the mincers to avoid along the seafront when he is walking the dog, but that their lifestyle doesn’t bother him in any way. He says there are so many poofs around now that it may mean the end of the human race due to lack of procreation. I know my Dad doesn’t mind gay people though because he really likes the Village People.

My Dad loves Y.M.C.A.

My Dad's a brilliant chef.

Sometimes Dad volunteers to make dinner if Mum wants a rest from cooking. He spends a long time in the kitchen and no one is aloud in as Dad says it will spoil the suprise.

His speciality is a 'picky plate' - this takes the most effort as Dad always prides himself in presentation and arranges the carrot sticks and crackers in a smiley face.

My Dad has the cure for the common cold.

When Dad thinks he is getting ill, he tucks himself into bed with four extra duvets and a hot water bottle for 36 hours, getting up every four hours for a pee and a lemsip.

Dad knows that when you feel really bad, you just have to sweat it out.

My Dad is fond of fat people.

My Dad says that fat people are always jolly. He thinks this is because they all own shares in McDonalds and must have lots of money. He also says they have had a very bad effect on the sports shoe industry because they are too fat to tie up trainers so they never buy them. He says that his friend is an unhappy man because his girlfriend has a fat ass. He knows all the right words to describe them, like big lump and porker. One of his best friends is Fat Steve, so I know he likes fat people.

My Dad is very well informed about obesity.

My Dad helps around the house.

After Mum has cooked a big dinner, Dad is always very helpful. He volunteers to do the washing up, and says that Mum should put her feet up and relax. Dad washes all the knives and forks and plates, and gets all the hard to wash things like pots and pans and fills them with water to soak. Dad always leaves them to soak overnight as he says this makes them look extra clean and nice.

I think Mum gets jealous which is why she washes them herself in the morning. She doesn't want Dad taking all the credit.

My Dad is always up to date.

Every day, we have dinner at six o' clock. Dad always comes in the door slightly late, and instead of sitting down to eat, checks the letter pile for bills.

He must do this first in case a bill is due when we are eating.

My Dad drinks safely.

My Dad is careful with alcohol. Sometimes when he has a big party to go to he will say that he is not going to drink at all for the days running up to it. He will put away the vodka and the rum and drink beer instead.

Dad says that beer isn't like alcohol. Dad knows that beer is similar to water.

My Dad knows what's going on.

My Dad says that it is important to keep up with whats happening in the world.

Every morning, he buys a copy of The Sun, the newspaper for the people. My Dad says that is it written in simple language for the general public. He told me that the sports section is the best.

My Dad can talk about world affairs with anyone.

My Dad has good taste in music.

My Dad says that Blues is the best music in the world. BB King and Eric Clapton are his favourite blues guitarists. Dad says that Eric Clapton should have been a black man.

Dad knows that black men have soul.

My Dad realises that all cultures have their own skills.

My Dad says he admires black people because of their rhythm and that no white person can dance quite like that. He is also very impressed with how well they do in athletics. He says it is because they run miles barefoot in Africa and have learned to run very fast because there is not a lot else for them to do all day.

My Dad is always complimentary of other races.

My Dad watches his pennies.

My Dad says it is important that he goes to his local pub every Monday for his Monday Night Club. He pays two pounds and stays all night with his friends, CD Jeff, Old Joan, Speccy, and many more, playing shove penny. Dad says that if he goes every Monday, next Christmas there will be a lot of money in the pub and he can have one very big long drink for free.

My Dad is a wizard with money.

My Dad loves all sport.

My Dad loves all sport and one of his favorites is snooker. He can spend many hours glued to the television watching the great players roll those little balls around that big table. My Dad says that it is a sport of great skill. He thinks it is wonderful to watch, but he says he is not happy with the newest young chinkie because he shows no emotion.

My Dad says it doesn’t matter where you come from, you can still be enthusiastic about sport.

My Dad is multi cultural.

My Dad is very well travelled and has learned a lot from meeting foreign people. He now knows that if you shout at them they begin to understand the English language.

Dad loves doing his bit for the education of mankind.

My Dad knows that violence is not the answer.

When Dad's mobile phone didn't work, he threw it at the ground to fix it. He made sure that we understood that this was not an act of aggression, but the only way that his phone was going to learn.

My Dad is good with technology.

My Dad is always prepared.

My Dad carries a Tesco bag with him always to be on the safe side. He has many items of importance in it that may one day save his life. There are maps incase he gets lost going round the round about, a bendy butter knife for protection against robbers, lots of lighters to start fires, a tobacco tin filled with screws in case his car breaks, a toilet roll for emergencies and double glazing ads to read in traffic jams. There are lots of other things but I have never looked in the bottom of the bag.

I think his days as a Scout have taught him to always be prepared.

My Dad is a clever man.

My Dad is a very smart man and knows lots of interesting facts. He knows that if you stir a bowl of soup counterclockwise to a count of 78, it will cool faster. He also knows that oranges make great mathematical tools. We have spent many hours doing homework using segmented oranges in place of real numbers.

My Dad also knows a lot about people. He knows that the tossers at the council are robbing him blind and says that that wanker, Tony Blair, has ruined the British nation with his lefty ideas. He also knows the people who made Rupert the Bear a Paki, are very very wrong.

My Dad is brave.

Dad doesn't like the local youths. Sometimes he taunts them by driving very fast towards them as if he is not going to stop.

He enjoys watching their reactions, as he screeches to a halt.

Dad knows they deserve this.

My Dad is his own person.

Dad denies his obsessive nature as he claims that he always purchases diffrent brands of cigarettes and alcohol.

My Dad's lighthearted approach to racism.

Dad sees nothing wrong in calling the people who own the corner shop 'Paki's' as he sees it as a term of affection, as it's what they call themselves anyway. He respects them because are they are hard workers but thinks that there are too many of them taking all the British jobs.

Dad makes it clear that he will go out and have a drink with anyone, even if they are black.

My Dad believes in gender equality.

Listening to the radio, Dad became annoyed when a female football reporter began commentating on the match.

Dad believes in equal opportunity, providing women stay away from football.

My Dad's friends sound exciting.

Dad doesn't know why Mum has a problem with him inviting friends to our house.

With their storybook names they sound like they would be a lot of fun to be around.

I wish I was allowed to meet Old Joan, Fat Steve, Joy Boy and Twitchy..

Dad is always quick to point out that they have hearts of gold.

My Dad likes to make people feel good about themselves.

When my Mum buys new clothes, Dad is always first to tell her how nice she looks.

It impresses me to see how happy he makes her when he notices what she's wearing.

When she got her brown fringe jacket, he said he really liked the Annie Oakley look. He also liked her deck chair striped shirt and her new boxing boots. Last week he commented on how amazing her inside-out coat was, and he said that her black trousers made her look like she was joining the police force.

I don't know why Mum doesn't wear her maternity dress or Father Christmas jumper anymore; judging by Dad's face, they were his favourites.

My Dad is always complimenting my Mum.

My Dad is a careful man.

If Dad is watching TV and he needs to go to the toilet, he puts his shoes on in case he has to cross any uneven terrain.

My Dad is an air enthusiast.

My Dad likes watching programmes about aeroplanes, engines and the industrial age. At night he watches countless hours of Discovery Wings as it reminds him of his airfix kits. He often talks about the hours he spent as a boy trainspotting in Epsom.

Dad was very sad when he heard of the passing of Fred Dibnah because no one else could say so much, so well, about pipes and steam.

My Dad likes a good pint.

My Dad's local pub is about 3 miles away from our house. He says the journey is worthwhile because although everyone there is a bunch of wankers, they pull a good pint.

My Dad believes in justice.

One night, Dad was driving home from London and got caught by a speed camera because he was going too fast.

He was very angry when he recieved a letter asking for money and said that he was not speeding.

The men sent him a picture of his car going 110 miles per hour with his licence plate highlighted.

Dad believes that you are innocent until proven guilty.

My Dad says value for money is important.

My Dad's glasses cost 99p from a big shop called Mad Max Discounts. They are very old now, and he stepped on them when he was getting out of the bath.

They are held together with sellotape, but Dad says they are not worth replacing because the left eye works fine.

My Dad is wise.

My Dad says if you're ever stranded in a wood to hide your matches in the middle of a blackberry bush because it will keep them dry.

I know my Dad is tough because he used to be a scout.

My Dad is an equal opportunist.

One night my Dad picked up a big man in his taxi. Just as he was driving off, a gay man forcefully asked if they were going in his direction, and if he could share the taxi. Dad was not happy, but saw it as extra money.

Dad charged the gay man more. Not because he was gay, just because he was a nasty gay.

My Dad is always kind to strangers.

My Dad picked up a man in his taxi and the man fell asleep from drinking too much beer.

It was late, and my Dad was very tired.

The man did not wake up when Dad spoke to him, so Dad sat him in front of a church so that God could look after him.

My Dad has lots of friends.

My Dad drives a taxi and spends lots of time making valuable friends and alliances.

One of Dad's best friends is called Black Chris. He is called Black Chris because he is Black and is named Chris. Dad says this moniker does not bother Chris as he knows he is Black.